The Pulse: I Learned :)

Always and forever learning – and especially about all this business stuffs! I just learned something – a la Mercury Retrograde – that no one could teach me or tell me. In fact, most ‘experts’ have been telling me to do the exact opposite!

I learned – for me – that I must create from the Inside Out, not the Outside In.

See, in late June early July, I had people all around me wanting to learn how to tune into their guidance. Spirit Guides, Angels, Archangels, Fae – it was as if it was in my face saying See Me! and so…I saw! Or so I thought.

My thinking was easy to understand. “Well, I love working with my Spirit Guides and the guidance of angels and fae and…I could certainly share about it. Seems this is what people want! And all these business models keep saying, ‘Find out what people want, then give it to them for an equivalent exchange for your skill, time and effort.’ Seemed to be a perfect match!

So, I created the Spirit Circles and had all kinds of fun talking about the Fae and Angels and all. I loved playing with them and summoning the energy, feeling into the best way to share things. But there was a weirdness, too – a twisting spin about creating from the outside in.

I took a walk and tuned into the sun and trees and rain…and they gave and I enjoyed but they were silent on the subject of giving people what they want. I found their silence irritating…but I’ve come to find there are answers in the silence.

So, I waited for understanding to come, or for things to come into alignment. But I just felt weirder and weirder and more kinked up. So many people wanted this class. Money coming in, this is nice – I do have bills. And I waited to feel right, but never did.

Finally I realized – I didn’t want to do the classes anymore. They made me feel tired. I didn’t understand where the inspiration had gone – why was I so drained? And then I got it!

The sun, the flower and rain, the fae and angels all around – they give in their joy. They are what they are and they breathe their life. They don’t listen to find out what people need and want and then give it to them…they just are.

I had set up to drain myself all month long, trying to give people
what I thought they wanted – not what I felt inspired to give.

If it had been my own internal inspiration to create the Guides and Guardians class, this would have been different. I would have felt energized by it, and the experience would have filled me up. What others received would have been the overflow of my own joy.

Instead, I was following advice from people I thought had it all figured out. And maybe they had…but not for me. Time for me to follow my own heart. :)

So, I’m canceling the classes. I’ll be processing refunds and offering alternative exchanges as needed!

I Learned :)

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The Pulse …my hero

(Note: This is a continuation from a previous entry – The Pulse …in allowing)

I noticed the first thing that came up for me was this low grade constantly present fear. I realized that I had been explaining it to myself, wrassling with it, judging it, accepting it and hoping it would just go away…

When I looked at it with allowing eyes, at first it got worse and I was like, forget this! Ugh! This is AWFUL!! What in the world am I so freaked out about? It got worse and worse but I stayed and listened as I moved about my day, instead of using one of many tactics I’ve developed during my life to banish it.

I realized after a day or so of low grade panic (I spent a lot of time in the nature sanctuary nearby, walking and listening and looking around while doing this…the flowers and trees really helped.) that the background noise of fear was revealing itself to be of multiple tones.

I was being constantly poked by a wide variety of things that were so constant that at first it had appeared to be a single voice. Nope! As I watched and allowed and trained my focus on different voices, they resolved themselves.

This was tough – it was so hard not to reach for my HUGE bag o’ tricks and process through or whatever. Nope, I decided to give this Let it Be thing a full opportunity to be experienced, and I stuck with it.

It was hard. I cried / panicked a lot and returned to listening to the breeze or the water or trees talking to each other and kept looking. It was as if I’d been waiting for this for my entire life…

One by one the voices presented themselves. They appeared as grubby children. A child with her teddybear’s head ripped off by a bully, crying and dirty, was first. I sat with her, listened to her rang and rave and throw temper tantrum after tantrum until she wore herself out.

Then she ran to me and I felt like she wanted me to know her better but didn’t know how to begin, so I asked her, “What’s your name?” Joy, she said, and a flash of memories passed before my eyes of all the times I had been punished by people who were supposed to be taking care of me for being too loud.

Being too happy. I got picked on and beaten up enough times that I learned not to do that, and this little girl had held it for me. She was my protector – not a demon or gremlin stealing my joy, but instead protecting me from the pain that had come before. She was my hero, my knight. Together we looked at the world, and it was changed.

The Pulse …in life

Recently I was reminded of my empath training several years ago. Our teacher asked that we bring a flower to the second day of the workshop. I was like, um, okay…a flower. Not sure what that has to do with being trained how to work with empathy and people, but okay.

Ends up it had everything to do with it. We were learning how to sense energy using our hands specifically, toward the end of the day. Everyone was laughing with delight as one by one each person held their flower and experienced its life force.

Mine was a very sad Charlie Brown Xmas Tree kind of flower by that point – it was drooping and all the petals were falling off!! I was honestly frightened to experience it at all, expecting death, decay, who knows what. I had no idea what a flower was even supposed to feel like to an empath, let alone a dying flower…

My teacher insisted however. I was to the point of tears, looking at this poor thing and not wanting to partake in its death, but she gently told me not to be afraid and guided me step by step, sitting next me as I steeled myself.

She told me it wasn’t at all what I thought it was going to be, then said I should close my eyes and listen extra close since this being’s life was ebbing and what it had to say would be soft.

I didn’t hear anything at all at first. I was sure my teacher had just plugged me in to some death zone horrible thing and I’d be scarred for life…but I decided to trust her as she told me to stay with it.

I cupped my hands around the flower and felt its petals brush my fingers as if it was holding my hand. I thought about how the petals were soft, and imagined the color, and smelled the smell. It was a daisy, and the petals were like velvet – what was left of them ;)

And that’s when I heard it. It really was quiet, just like the teacher said it would be – it was like laughing music, or bells even… To my astonishment I realized it was giggling!

I looked up and the teacher realized I had heard it and she nodded, “They don’t know anything but life, and they share that freely with everyone without reservation right to the last.”

I did start crying then – kinda relief and joy and astonishment all at once. I ran around then and ‘listened’ to everyone else’s flowers and heard their different songs – all different, though it seemed similar species had similar songs.

Someone had brought a houseplant since they couldn’t get a flower in time and I listened to that and it was very different. More like soft giggling drums than bells.

I later led a whole group of people (I organize the Metaplay meetup – the NoVa/DC Metaphysics meetup and play group on meetup.com) through a Whole Foods grocery and introduced them to the art of empathic grocery shopping, lol – you can imagine ;)

I was never afraid to listen again, and in fact have a membership at one of the local arboretums and walk there often :)

Listening to people is nothing like listening to plants. Plants and flowers know nothing about fear in any way. They sing their songs fully and completely without pause in all that they do, simply because that’s what they are.

It’s people who have been given the gift of free will and choice, and with it the responsibilities of power. Samsara and suffering is our thing, to the degree we take it on.

But that natural rhythm the plants sway to so easily is the backdrop to our being as well. We too sing our songs, complex as they may be at times. We often stifle them with shoulds and such, but that’s ours and manufactured by us to experience as part of our current Way to lesser and greater degrees…

S’all good. Being with the natural world helps us remember who we are underneath all that roiling responsibility. We’re alive.

The Pulse …in allowing

You know…it wasn’t until recently – very recently – that I came to really understand what the wisdom in the words, “Let it be…” really is..

I thought, ‘Let it be,’ meant leave it alone. Figure out a way to let it go. Find something in myself that will allow me to just let it alone.

Much to my surprise I suddenly realized…this isn’t what the deeper truth of the phrase is really speaking to. It’ll do the job, not acting from rage and trusting in life for all to move into balance in time. Trusting in something beyond ourselves. Yes, good stuff…but not the whole picture.

For all I know I’m not onto the entire picture myself, even – but I did find this new piece I want to share. It’s the piece of Allowing while bearing witness.

I can see why I missed it – it’s a heart thing, and as much as the analytical mind may like to take it apart and put it back together in order to figure it out…that isn’t going to happen with this, because it doesn’t ‘make sense’ in a mental way.

Letting it be has a passively active element to it (how’s that for confusing? ;) ) The role of the witness, the bearer of awareness as an individual that each of us possess – we hold the key to alchemy, if we’re willing to let it go. (definitely confusing)

When we watch – an event, an emotion, a memory, another person – without any judgment at all…something magical happens.

Judgment confines, tries to control and dissect, fit into boxes that channel action in appropriate ways according to our beliefs. It’s about power, control and fear/personal identity/safety issues. ‘I need to know how to react, so I will define,’ judgment says.

I figured letting it be meant not reacting – instead, pausing and then acting after due consideration. Nope – tho again, it’s better than reacting from entirely unconscious pre-conditioning. It’s something, but not all of it.

Let it be means allow it to be what it is, in your world, without narrowing your field of vision with any form of judgment based on preconceived notions. The word Preconceived literally means, ‘Created previously.’  Judgment doesn’t leave room for New creation to take place, it’s more about labeling things and putting them in boxes. A shorthand life.

Letting it be is witnessing without any previously thought up ideas about what is being witnessed. Acceptance lives here – otherwise known as unconditional love (another confusing topic).

Where love is, life is, and life is always moving. Whatever it is you’re bearing witness to will change…and with you looking at it with full acceptance, this added actively passive element of allowing gives it room to Be so it can finish that part of it’s becoming and move on to whatever’s next.

Trusting in that ‘next’, not channeling it according to the will of narrowed judgment but instead just bearing witness to whatever it is, allows what is being seen to move naturally into its own pattern of unfolding. It’s got places to Be – other places than we can conceive of, naturally inherent in its own Being.

Allowing and letting it Be let’s it become – the love in this act allows it to become within its full potential, not as limited as even it may have thought it was, and not pre-conceived into a box of the witnesses’ creation. It allows with an open hand, trusting.

Note I didn’t say this was easy. ;) It takes a real leap of faith – that’s what I’m practicing with now. So far so very good. :) More on that later.

Oh, and as a quick side note – it seems that the more we let everything else be, the more we get to be, too…

The Pulse …in all

Words like light and dark are thrown around all the time without much thought behind it. ‘He is the light of my life…’ … ‘there is a darkness in her…’ and such. Calling upon the forces of light. Casting out the dark. There’s even a term referred to as Lightworker.

But what’s it really mean? As I lay in stillness, I posed this question to the silence. And I received an answer that felt powerful and true yet not in words at all.

I saw an endless field of nothing…just that: nothing. Not even a field – and yet there was a presence in and of the nothingness. And then came a ripple, a vibration as if on the surface of glass or water or even in sound.

Light and dark sprang into existence as presence bent around it, and I suddenly came into the understanding that they are flip sides of each other.

It is not that light casts out darkness or darkness defeats light. It is more that light defines dark and dark defines light – yet beneath it all is the presence in and of everything. In other words, dark or light, the same presence is there.

It’s the presence that is the life and energy behind all of creation – light and dark are just ideas spun out to play with for a bit. Ideas in duality to allow all that is to explore all that is.

Exploration is the name of the game, and we have only been playing with a tiny ripple thus far. Just two dimensions and the many ideas spun therein like time and space by the conscious points of awareness we are.

What’s next? Presence already knows…and apparently so shall we, when we’re ready.

Are you ready? :)